A fresh start...again

Nor surprisingly, I'm starting fresh....again. I seem to have enough motivation to last me two weeks and not much longer. However, over the last few months, I've had some revelations. I've been super super stressed - mostly self-inflicted - by my PhD work and balancing that full time job with my part time job at Northrop. I had to drop my biweekly mentoring meetings because I couldn't reasonably leave work at 4 pm. The other important aspect of my life that I dropped was working out. Timed appropriately with the appearance of shorter days and winter weather. Combined with stress eating and the holidays, I've put on at least 10 pounds in the last two months.

But here's the big revelation I'm surprised it took me so long to admit: I'm a compulsive over-eater. I hide junk food so my husband won't know that I'm eating it. When I have a bad day of results, which is almost every day, I pound a pack of Skittles from the vending machine. I think about food constantly, desperately hoping that it's an appropriate time to start eating my next meal. Sometimes, I can't even wait. I had leftover General Tso's chicken at 9 am yesterday. It was supposed to be my lunch, but I knew how delicious it was going to be and I just couldn't put off that pleasure. I feel wracked by guilt about my eating habits after I eat unhealthily. I'm not a full-blown binge eater. It's not that unmanageable. But those feelings are just below the surface. They're why I eat way too fast. Why I go to the movies and would LOVE to pound through a jumbo popcorn with butter until I couldn't stomach the taste of popcorn anymore. Why I can't walk away from the food table at a party. Why as a 12 year old at camp, I could devour a one pound box of Mike and Ikes my mom sent in a care package in one day, instead of making it last the whole two weeks. I don't fit into the category of people who wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire chocolate cake, and I'm not eating 15,000 calories a day. But I am eating too much, too fast, when I'm not hungry but as a result of stress and food addiction.

My name is Kate, and I'm addicted to food. Sweet, salty, crunchy, unhealthy food.

I've heard some good things about Overeaters Anonymous, but I don't think that the 12 step program really applies to food. Abstinence does not apply - I still have to eat something. I'm not hurting anyone by my eating, except myself. I have no one to make amends to, aside from my husband for denying him the opportunity to also eat the junk food I hide. But I am going to take positive steps to overcome my problem.

1. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it, because ultimately my emotional eating is not about the food itself...there are deeper stress issues.
2. I'm going to make an appointment to see a nutritionist.
3. I'm going to talk to my husband about what we can do at home to make it easier for me to avoid compulsive eating. 
4. I'm going to brainstorm other ways of dealing with the stress I currently channel into food.
5. I'm going to try to blog about it frequently to keep myself on track.